The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

22:08 May 30 2008
Times Read: 835

Have you ever had to make the choice between food or female products?



I am trying to make that choice now....



And I can't call my mom for help because they turned our phone off yesterday even after we paid them.

20:47 May 26 2008
Times Read: 843

Let me paint a picture for you....



I have long black hair with reddish/blonde roots (I can never get the red dye to stick to the blonde roots)



I wear my hair pulled back out of my face.



I am listening to Canon in D. (A great piano version of it I found online)



I am wearing pink and black pj bottoms I got from Victoria Secret and an Ozzfest t-shirt I snagged from John.



I am drinking straight from a 3 liter of Faygo.



Can someone tell me where they see that I am goth. :/



I'm trying to plan my wedding music and one of John's friends keep suggesting music I have never heard of just for a "goth" feel. I guess they think I'm goth. o.o



I guess its the fact that my hair is dyed black....even though I do it because it brings out my eyes. lol

03:02 May 26 2008
Times Read: 857

Have you ever sacrificed so much of yourself, just to become something you aren't?



I feel that is what has started to happen to me. For the last year or so I haven't been able to see my friends or do anything with them. I have gotten to the point where the only person that calls me is my mother. The fact that I haven't been able to sit down and discuss with someone MY passion and things I enjoy.



Yes, I do get out of the house but it normally with John's friends and they talk about things I despise. I remember thinking when I left from my old town that I'll be back all the time to visit my best friend. :/



I haven't seen him since that day.



I am going through a really bad time in my life and I just want to be able to sit there and talk to him face to face. I want to be able to joke around and eat tacos in wal-mart parking lot at 3 in the morning. I want to be able to argue why you can't put Hendrix and Clapton in the same style of music.



I want to get lost in the back roads of the small town I used to live in. I want to sit in a car and sing with my friends and have it sound like a damn chorus between the four of us.



I want to be me again.

20:42 May 25 2008
Times Read: 859

I decided since my friend is coming over today I would do a little "BBQ" type dinner. We have this indoor grill so I threw some steaks on it and made a little macaroni and tomato salad. It smells awesome and its something I threw together with what little we do have. :)

19:01 May 25 2008
Times Read: 861

I feel like playing some Zelda for some reason. I haven't played it in a while so I'm going to dig out the gamecube and get it hooked up.



:)



Might do me some good.

22:49 May 24 2008
Times Read: 877

I got back from the water park a couple of hours ago. I wasn't feeling too great so I went to bed. I just woke up to my back spasing like crazy.



The whole day I was fine except when I climbed into a tube and jerked my lower back a bit. The part that normally hurts (mid and upper) was fine. I was going down the rides and having a blast.



Now....I'm on the verge of tears. :(



We ended up going home earlier then expected because last night when we were at Frank and Ana's I woke us sick to my stomach. They have a 5 week old baby there and I don't want to pass something to them.



So....BLARG



*nods*

02:24 May 24 2008
Times Read: 880

*sits back in the chair*



I keep being told I need to relax so I am. I recoded a profile I keep on another site, turned up the Jimi, (stoners really know how to make chill music XD) and I'm letting the music and wedding plans consume me.



*sigh*

18:25 May 20 2008
Times Read: 896

After reading the Rats journal it reminded me something.





I have got to find out where I go to register to vote in this damn county.



I am not going to miss out on my first year of actually getting to have a reason to bitch at the government.

So...
18:59 May 19 2008
Times Read: 913

This morning I woke up to a knock on the door. Normally I would ignore it and kick John until he gets the door, but this morning it woke me up real fast.



We looked outside the window and noticed a cop car under our window. So we rushed to the door....





Yep there was a cop at our door. She told us that there was a call about someone breaking into our apartment. o.O



If that is the case, I want to know why I didn't wake up and why my computer was still sitting at the dining room table in plain sight. lol



Needless to say, waking up to the cops at the door brought back way too many memories.

07:48 May 18 2008
Times Read: 920

Since I have gained some weight since I originally picked out my wedding dress my mom and I agreed that it would be better to get something more flattering to my body shape. (Though round isn't that pretty of a shape)



Here is a picture for the dress she is making me.







The one with straps...

06:18 May 18 2008
Times Read: 928

Ok, so my mother did something to hurt me today.



She made me sit on the phone with her for at least an hour with me having to go to the bathroom. -.-



And I was on the corded phone so I couldn't run to the bathroom.





All because she wanted to tell me her ideas for my wedding while she is drunk.

05:12 May 17 2008
Times Read: 932

*sigh*



I feel so giddy





Don't know why though.

09:52 May 16 2008
Times Read: 940

Tonight I had a very thought provoking conversation.



Me, John, and Erik got talking about what we wanted out of life. I had mentioned that I wanted to live past the age of 20 and out do my mother. When it was asked what I meant by that it opened a new door to my past. I told them the things I went through growing up, some of the things I did that I wish that I didn't do, and some of the things that have changed in my life.



John did the same thing and to have Erik say that he respects him for who he is, and me for who I have become was really nice. I cried a few times during the conversation and it felt good to get it out. I got to have someone find out my skeletons without judging me for them. I know I shocked him with a few of the things I said, and honestly that wasn't my intention.



John and I have talked about most of these things before, but it was nice to let someone else know about them. It gives me peace of mind to let it out sometimes. That is something I don't get to have much anymore.



I admitted to myself that I fucked up many good things I had going for me. Times have changed for me and I have learned to deal with it. It is a great feeling to be able to grow. Life moves on, things happen, people change. Knowing this is the greatest thing ever. It makes you smarter then anything else.

05:36 May 16 2008
Times Read: 956

*sigh*



I have this weird bug bite on my arm. It's driving me crazy because I can't get all the poison out.



:(

Who Am I?
07:00 May 15 2008
Times Read: 960

This is an exercise I had to do in rehab when I first got there and right before leaving. It was a great thing to read at my graduation. This is going to be a "Who Am I?" for this year. :)

---

Who am I? I am a future wife. A recovering addict, a smarter girl, and an artist.



I now think more logically and clearly. Money isn't the reason to be with someone, love is. I have an abstract personality and a very concrete belief system. In my fantasy world I am a bright green fairy. I have found out that being big isn't wrong, in fact it is amazing.



I have found out what true friendship really is. It is someone still standing up for you after 3 years of not talking to them. I have realized that life isn't forever and that health can go wrong at a moments notice. I have also learned that you have to not only learn from your past, but embrace parts of it. Without it you aren't who you are now.



Who am I? I am Cassandra. A 19 year old girl with many issues still needing to be worked on. A wiser girl then before. Oh and I'm still dancing in my soul.

---

There is my corny rehab thing. :)



They say that wisdom comes from age, I disagree. It comes from experience.

05:27 May 15 2008
Times Read: 961

I'm thinking that throughout the coming week I'm going to write a little entry every few days about various aspects of my mind, life, and spirit so that more people can get to really see who I am.



Expect me to go digging in my past, looking at the future, and evaluate the present.

19:55 May 14 2008
Times Read: 966

I got thinking, while in the shower again, that I really do live up to my screen name on here.



Minus my absolute love for abstract art, I am really off the wall. I don't listen to any one type of music. I like it all. When I say all I mean even rap and country. (Currently I'm listening to Brain Bypass by Combichrist)



I'll write about everything in my journals. Even if it makes no sense to anyone. I figure it doesn't have to make sense to anyone but me.



I dance in my computer chair, I wear dresses, skirts, and boy clothes.



I think the only thing that never changes is my love for mac and cheese and my body spray. (Warm Vanilla Sugar from Bath and Body Works) I've used the same body spray since middle school. lol



Oh and I don't change my shampoo and conditioner either. Why mess up a beautiful thing?



:)



Off to make cookies.

20:45 May 13 2008
Times Read: 974

Here is that long entry I promised....



At the end of the month John and I will be moving back in with his parents. We can no longer make the bills are at the last option. We never got our stimulus check so we ended up not being able to pay for rent or any bills. We barely have food in the house and haven't been able to do laundry in a while. I have been washing things by hand, but that can only go so far.



We have only been able to get 600 a month from unemployment and I was denied disability yet again. 500 goes to rent, 100 for the phone/internet, and about 100 to electric. Not to mention food and other things. We can't seem to get any help because we don't have children.



On the bright side, my mother is pushing the wedding no matter what. She is afraid that I won't be around much longer because of my health. She has offered to pay for everything but the marriage license. So the wedding is still a go. The date was just changed to August 16th. (her birthday) I am also not getting the dress I wanted originally. Because I have gained so much weight in the last few months the style would not be a good thing for me.



I haven't really been sleeping much. Too much going on in my mind. Its getting to me.



As for my health...I just don't know anymore. I'm trying to lose weight and everything.



I'm going to stop now before I cry again.

23:33 May 12 2008
Times Read: 975

I am in the mood for rap tonight.



I think its because I don't hear it all the time from the neighbors anymore. lol



*dances to Ying Yang Twins*

10:15 May 11 2008
Times Read: 986

I feel as if I have been neglecting this journal.



I have been writing a lot of private entries in my other accounts journal.



I feel so much better being able to let go like I do there. It helps me get my mind straight.



Granted some of it may never mean anything to anyone else and it doesn't matter if it was private or not. I just feel better making it that way.



Ok, off to bed for me.



I will write a decently long entry soon. I promise.

06:17 May 10 2008
Times Read: 990

blargh



I think that says it all for my day

My tips to young girls in love
03:45 May 09 2008
Times Read: 1,007

Your heart doesn't break, it just gets tougher.



No matter what anyone says, it is ok to still have feelings for your ex. Even if they hurt you, if you loved them they became a part of you and that doesn't just go away.



You won't find your soul mate in a dark lit room with candles. It just doesn't happen that way. I can bet you will find them at the most inopportune moment. Like at the gas station or an anime convention.



Flowers, candy, and teddy bears may be sweet to get, but you will appreciate it more when he gets you tampons, foot rubs, and does the dishes.



Its perfectly ok to have a crazy off the wall song as the "song". Love songs are over rated and having to choose one defeats the purpose of having a song.



Don't expect him to provide you with everything. If you do, then you need to fall in love with your daddy. In this day and age you have to work as well. Unless he is uber rich and can pay all the bills and get you nice things, expect to have to do something as well.



Its perfectly normal for them to forget your birthday, anniversary, and other special days. They are human and they will feel even worse if your hounding them about it.



When you get married, remember you have to wake up next to him for the rest of your life. You best be prepared for the smell, the nasty looks, and the morning ritual. If you can't handle it, your not ready to get married.



Cooking. The way to a mans heart is truly through his stomach. Even if you can't cook, you can still pretend to bake. Even if you have to buy a sheet cake from the store and pretend you made it, he will love it.



Oh and the biggest tip ever. Love him for who he is. If you can do that then you will last forever.



I may only be 19, but I have learned all of these things and I feel like I should pass them on.

11:03 May 05 2008
Times Read: 1,017

So here I am 6 am and haven't been to bed yet.



I'm tired, but I don't know if I can get my sleep back to normal. I blame my pain for causing me sleep habits to get messed up.





*yawns*



Oh and since things came up today and I didn't spend as much as I wanted on here, I didn't get my time spent.



So....maybe tomorrow/today :D

10:40 May 04 2008
Times Read: 1,026

My sleep schedule has been really messed up the last few days.



Hopefully I can sleep in like I want to today.



Unlike the last......5 days >.

23:24 May 03 2008
Times Read: 1,028

I HATE BEING A FEMALE





There is no plus side to it. Bras hurt, PMS sucks, cramps put me into a slight paralysis, and I bleed for a fucking week straight.





Yes, its that time of the month. So if you piss me off.....well you can use your imagination.



[/rant]

06:11 May 03 2008
Times Read: 1,030

A small glimmer of hope in light of my craptastic day.



I saw a man in Wally World wearing a Bills shirt.



It made me smile a bit, I haven't seen people wearing stuff like that in years.

03:18 May 03 2008
Times Read: 1,038

Today I did something for the sake of love. I suffered through a movie, dork talk, and dealing with large crowds just so that I could be with my hun.



I got angry, punched a hole in the wall, and barely said anything all day. But I spent the day with him.



Today was supposed to be just us going out in the early afternoon, and him going with a friend in the evening.



It didn't happen that way. Instead we spent the whole day with his friend. -.-



As of right now I'm still pissed and still very upset that I didn't get to do really anything that I wanted to.



I'm probably going to head to bed, as I feel that is the smartest thing for me to do.

08:57 May 01 2008
Times Read: 1,049

Ya know what.



:P



I love my friends sometimes. I get pissed off, they talk about panties. It all works out in the end.

06:29 May 01 2008
Times Read: 1,068

I smell drama coming for me on another site.





:D